so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
