You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
