this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
