White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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