we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
