I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
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Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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