I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
