Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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