if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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