your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
