So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
