I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize