Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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