my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
