I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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