Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
