Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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