I like to think it a success when the cops are called
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
