Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
