If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So much rum. So many feels.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
