You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
