i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.