I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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