Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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