I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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