I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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