I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
