this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
