I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
