It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
