She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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