I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
