I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
