at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
