So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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