You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
