Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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