His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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