you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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