i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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