i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
