Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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