Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
a search helicopter?!
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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