I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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