just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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