Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
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You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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