Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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