They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
