I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
