actually, I'm a sock model
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
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Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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