Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Semen is not good for contacts.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
