I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
