I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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