You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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