bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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