You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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