Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
